where thoughts materialise.

So we're into the sixth version of my blog after the last version hung around for a year or so.

Now, a bit of info on this image. This photo was taken one lovely spring afternoon, featuring the iconic Old Well from the UNC Chapel Hill campus. I would like to think of this image as a tribute to my time in UNC Chapel Hill, the awesome friends I made and the memories I now hold dear.

A milestone in my life indeed.

I've dropped the tagboard cos its useless and taking eons to load. But thanks to Angela who helped me set it up, I still do like and will miss the pink interface.

So yeah, it's the sixth one you fellas!

Yours.

27 April 2008

you know you miss my older entries

October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Now and forever, you are a part of me.
And the memory cuts like a knife.
Didn't we find the ecstacy,
Didn't we share the daylight
When you walked into my life?

Now and forever, I'll remember all -
the promises still unbroken.
And think about all the words between us
That never needed to be spoken.

We had a moment -
Just one moment
That will last beyond a dream,
Beyond a lifetime.
We are the lucky ones,
Some people never get to do
All we got to do.

Now and forever, I will always think of you.
Didn't we come together
Didn't we live together
Didn't we cry together
Didn't we play together
Didn't we love together
And together we lit up the world.

I miss the tears
I miss the laughter
I miss the day we met
and all that followed after.

Sometimes I wish I could always be with you,
The way we used to do.

Now and forever I will always think of you.

Yours,
xx

nimgnoy let the night fall at 1:00 AM

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Thursday, June 16, 2005

What'll I do,
When you are far away
and I am blue
What'll I do?

What'll I do,
When I am wondering who
is kissing you
What'll I do?

What'll I do,
With just a photograph
to tell my sorrows to?

When I'm alone,
With only dreams of you
that wouldn't come true
What'll I do?

* *

I first got to know this song when I read the stage play for Never the Sinner by John Logan. Great play by the way. Loeb and Leopold waltzed to this piece.

Then each time I hear this song, it sings out to me in its own mysterious way. Perhaps because its tune is so haunting, so much yearning and pinting. And that solo saxophone, croons its lonesome refrain. Sometimes, long after this song has ended, I swear I can still hear the lingering notes through the empty hallways. I'm dead serious.

And each time it plays, this song speaks to me. Circumstances may change but my life is always relevant to this song somehow. One way or another.

nimgnoy let the night fall at 11:47 PM

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Truth to be told, that ambivalence in life that I mentioned a few days ago cannot be solved. No one can, or life would not be life as it is. Ambivalences can only be coped and accepted, and that's as far as the human mind can go.

* *

Inspired by Kazuo Ishiguro's An Artist of the Floating World.
When I read that book in 2001, I couldn't grasp of the concept of the floating world, but now I truly do.

A mixture of Ishiguro's words and mine, excapsulates exactly my thoughts for now.

I do get unhappy sometimes. These days.
Sometimes, I would be with people I love, eat talk drink, my 'pleasure houses' if you may like to see it this way, just to escape from the realities out there. All the issues surrounding me, and work with all it's mundanity.

Then, I would become happy. I would hear what I wanted to hear, for that moment anyway, and I'd be able to believe it. Once the morning came, of course, life goes on like any other.

But I don't value those moments for any the less for that.

The best things, are put together of a night and they vanish with the morning.
What people call the floating world, is a world I'm learning how to value.

An almost fragile beauty - transitory and illusionary.

I suspect the reason I couldn't celebrate the floating world then was that I couldn't bring myself to believe its worth. Young men are often guilt-ridden about pleasure, and I suppose I was no different. I suppose I thought that to pass away one's time in such places, to spend one's skill celebrating things so intangible and transient, I thought it all rather wasteful, all rather decadent.
It's hard to appreciate beauty of a world when one doubts its very validity.

The floating world - an enclosed world where practicalities hardly abide, only beauty. To capture beauty whenever one sees it, and to be part of it all.

When I am an old man, when I look back over my life and see I have devoted it to the task of capturing this unique beauty of the world, I believe I will be well satisfied. And no man will make me believe I've wasted my time.

nimgnoy let the night fall at 11:50 AM

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Wednesday, June 15, 2005

I was in bed this morning, just rolling around in bed, while it drizzled outside.

I never liked gloomy mornings, and never felt right if my day started off in such a dreary fashion. Mornings are supposed to be sunny and warm, bird chirping, spoons clinking in coffee cups and all.

And once again, I am caught in this whole sense of idealism - how I like my world to be like. Which more often than not, is not and cannot be the case - essentially a phenomenon called reality.

So I tried, and ended up really enjoying this gloomy morning. Huddled in sheets and rolling in bed, enjoying the cool breeze that ran through the room. Kinda reminded me the day I was in Lake District back in 2000, feeding ducks and swans while the chilly English air carressed our cheeks. The dew laden grass.

But, I still cannot escape without thinking, raindrops trickling down my window pane as to tears rolling down someone's cheek. It dribbles its lone path down. Misty.

After all, these events are of force majeure.

* *

My inner thoughts are desperately seeking outward manisfestation. But I've just realized that there are more than just the intended few reading this blog.

I'll write on, though uneasy, and many private thoughts shall remain with me. And where can I share these confessions now? They would have to reside with me till I find a new sanctuary, a haven for these little words to be laid to rest.

nimgnoy let the night fall at 9:08 AM

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I can't.

It can't be.

A novelty, could it only just be, a novelty?

I can't.

I never could.

nimgnoy let the night fall at 12:14 AM

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Sunday, June 12, 2005

Deep within me resides the ambivalence of all that I have come to know in life. It's the coexistence of opposing attitudes or feelings towards a person, an object, or idea that have found their way into the confines of my existence.

Like how your greatest joy can also be your greatest ache.
And it can be easily explained though - the greater you allow yourself to care and love, the more you become vulnerably susceptible to hurt and pain.

As with many things in life.
With knowledge, comes good and evil. With joy, comes jubilation and pain. With love, comes contentment and anguish. For one cannot exist without another, and both make up life as it means to us.

My point?
I was feeling sick just now. I really did, trying to resolve this oxymoronic ambivalence.
I couldn't exactly comprehend how I can be so happy, yet almost sad at this point of my life.

So.
Love once, love again and continue to love with all you have. For hurt can only justify the effort you've put into the matter of contention, and a silent reaffirmation of how much you have loved.

nimgnoy let the night fall at 11:12 PM

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There's a new member in the family. The stocks came along and dropped 3 month old yet-to-be-named into our care.

I would like to think that it's a she, but its gender is yet to be determined.

And much joy to the family she's bringing.

nimgnoy let the night fall at 10:08 PM

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Saturday, June 11, 2005

No matter what I do, or how hard I may ever try, I always find myself standing in front of an unanswered door in the end.

What would it take for you to open that door?
and let me in?

* *

Leaving is perhaps the hardest thing one can do.

And it takes all forms.
It may be leaving for work, leaving overseas, leaving someone back in time so that the only memory that remains are those in faded photographs, leaving to lead the next phase of life, leaving for good, leaving this world to another.

Because we care.
Our baggages accumulated almost too much to leave behind, and as heavy as they may be, we choose to carry them around with us, all of it, squarely on our shoulders.
Leaving is the hardest then.

Because we are capable of love.
Our array of emotions may sometimes overrule the mind, and we love with all we have.

And that's perhaps why, for us humans, leaving has been, is, and always will be, the hardest deed of all.

* *

Once again, I'm not down. Or am i.
But just what my mind has to say this early Saturday morning, 12.52am and all.

nimgnoy let the night fall at 12:52 AM

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Thursday, June 09, 2005

It's 7pm and I cannot believe I'm still in front of my workdesk working, or blogging for that matter.

But the good thing is, it is so much quieter in office now - no hysterical laughter from my boss, aunties gossiping, mindless chatterings or printers chugging away. Which means I can concentrate and get what needs to be done, done. I reckon I can do 8 hours of work within these 2 hours I'm working overtime here.

Also, I can sit cross-legged on my chair and swivel from left to right and back again while writing this.

And if you could only see how messy my desk looks like now, an exact replica of the one I have at home. An assortment of things you may find I must say - stapler, gatsby wax (just in case you're on a surprise date!), nougats from Aussieland (I just ate one cos I'm damn hungry), Hershey's Kisses that are expiring, my GQ mag. Well, I just realised, these items aren't very work related, are they?

In front of me, a pin up board filled with pictures and photos of events or people that matter to me.

I see Jackie and I at Wheelock Place, Shujun Vic Junhan and I at 4Khristmas 2003, Jess Sis and I on a grassy lawn in Melbourne, Yifang and I at her uniform party, Jon and I in his car - amongst others.

Looking at these photos make me happy, especially so at a place where happiness is not readily available. These scattered pictures on my board make up my life, and they pepper a sense of meaning to it all. A trip down memory lane.

* *

A total tangentional thought, my ideal refrigerator should always be stocked up with cartons of Peel Fresh Juices, with aloe vera if possible. I am slowly compiling a list of must-haves in my fridge, and I've started with juices.

And my ideal home has to have Roman blinds. Why? More fun pulling them up and down.

* *

Work is getting somewhat more eventful now. I'll have to bring a media team from Sawadee-thailand to Wala's next Tuesday night, and Yifang sweet sweet darling is coming along! I would encourage you guys to come along with me as well, so I do not have to be in the scrutiny of our Thai friends.

And end June, I'll be bringing a media team from China around and about. That's for 5 days, which considering my level of Chinese now, is pretty sufficient to kill me. I don't even know how to say "Hello, this would be our award winning clean toilets" in Mandarin!

nimgnoy let the night fall at 7:01 PM

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Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Why live life from dream to dream, and dread the day when dreaming ends?

That would have to be ecapism. Something that the not so practical artsy folks indulge in, some more than others, when the worldly world fail us.

I've always wondered if I've ever lived my life from dream to dream. And even if I did, I do not think I'd be aware of it. What's real anyway? Everything's a state of mind. An image projected on the inner screen open to our interpretation.

Right now, I couldn't be more blessed at this stage of my life, that it almost seems like an inconceivable reality. Like an artist standing back looking at his canvas and goes Wow. Whether or not it truly is what it seems to be, or just a beautiful reverie; it would only be made known down this continuum journey on a road called time.

Dream or not, reality or otherwise, I can at least take into comfort that when I look back at this point of time, I was truly happy.

Make it last.

nimgnoy let the night fall at 8:17 AM

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Tuesday, June 07, 2005

This is sort of a continuation of my entry last night, cos I was too tired to write anymore.

And so the dust in my life are starting to settle, and my vision is clearer now. All's reposeful as a new found tide of contentment sweeps over me, bringing me finally back to shore.

For one, my grandma's fine now. And her recovery is nothing short of a miracle to me, she wasn't expected to be well so quickly. The doctors included, were prepared to treat her till year end. Though the cells would probably recur, we can ask for nothing more than the two years she's expected to ultimately enjoy.

And just in case you didn't know, I love my grandma so much. She brought me up and loves me the way we all should - unconditionally. And I'm determined to give her the best two years, cos she gave me the best she could these twenty-one.

Through it all, I have learnt so much of what it is to love. Through sickness and health, over flaws and judgement. And this applies to my parents and sister and of course, my friends. I cherish them all more each day.

I remember how my social life had to come to a standstill early this year. How low our morales were, everything was bleak. I couldn't have the time for making more friends. And for someone who is so much a part of my pals, it was hard for me to give them up.

All's reposeful now, as a new found tide of contentment sweeps over me, bringing me finally back to shore.

And speaking of falling into place, everything came at a perfect timing. My aunt started working full time again after taking so much time to care for grandma, my sis just graduated, and I'm entering university - all at a time when grandma's well.

And for me personally, I found a friend in Jon. You know how friends never fail to brighten up my days..and nights. He couldn't have came into my life at a better time. Like the extra cherry on a celebratory cake, if I can put it that way.

Why am I harping so much on our friendship? Because he has proven me wrong. Proven me wrong that friendships not made early are superficial and incapable of sincerity.

Gosh this sounds like a very personal entry.

And as I look through my photos in my desktop, I've never regretted taking the effort to bring my cam out. Every snapshot a memory caught in time, each snapshot a story to tell.

Perfect timing, everything's perfect in time.
Life is indeed beautiful again. Full circle.

nimgnoy let the night fall at 8:42 AM

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My entries of late have been so much on my friends. And this is not one of exception either.

This is Jon, whose company I absolutely enjoy. The road ahead is bright, if not brighter, than what I would have come to imagine. We are at the age where people live behind masks and build tall barriers to isolate or alienate, and in Jon I see none.

And life, seems to be taking flight now, and all the loose ends falling into place. This is the first time in months I have experienced weightless happiness without burden bogging me down since life took a drastic veer in January with grandma.

The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the inner inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.

And that's what Jon did. And that's why his presence in my life is always appreciated.

nimgnoy let the night fall at 12:47 AM

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Friday, June 03, 2005

Yee Hong was the very first friend I made in NJC.

I still remembered first day of school and I was late, along with my other RV friends.
As we were ushered into a packed hall of students, I was led to my Orientation Group by some councillor. Seated in horizontal rows of chairs, it was clear I was the last to arrive since there was only one seat left at the end of the line.

I took my seat and Yee Hong smiled, as a form of greeting I suppose. We talked almost immediately. And even the girl sitting beside him had mistakenly thought we had knew each other prior to this.

Then on, my very first image, thought, impression of NJ culminated in that very moment. And I'm glad Yee Hong made it a good one.

nimgnoy let the night fall at 9:01 AM

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Thursday, June 02, 2005

Each time I look at this photo, I can't help but beam with pride.
How many true friends can one be blessed in a lifetime? And I'm glad I made many, and if I can brag about it, I would, because this is a fact that doesn't falter.

From left,
Jun . My buddy through everything, and I'm sure I've written a few entry about us before. And I enjoy his humour, spontaneity and never let a friend down spirit. And though he's corny and horny, I enjoy the times we sit down and are able to talk about anything - even our families. Oh, and his good buys, he seems to be always snagging cheap nice stuff. Fellow supper 4.

Jackie . She is one of the most concerned persons around. And the effort she puts into maintaining our friendship, or any friendship in particular is commendable. And like me, we love photos for memories. And I thank her so much for always being there, in little ways and always smsing me to meet up.

Peijun . Crazy girl! If there's something special about pj, its her ability to stay cheerful and looking at the up side of things, which is why I enjoy hanging out with her. She makes me wanna fall in love with her each time we meet. Haha! I'm her temp bf sometimes anyway. And she's the first person I know from 3K back in RVHS. We've been through council and all, but we love 4K the best. Both of us were always the first the scuttle off SC stuff to meet up with 4K folks. To think I was the P!

Vic . Oh what can I say. We've been to UK together, staked out for Bardot, spent many night on the phone and even more days together out in the sun. Anyone who knows me well knows vic cos she is so much a part of my life, I am almost incomplete without her! We're fa-mi-ly. We promised never to leave each other, and I do not forsee that we ever would.

Yifang! . Note the exclamation. Yifang is my longest surviving friend. 11 years and counting. We live in the same block so she's, in a sense, never too far away from me - physically and emotionally. And how much we've seen each other grow since P4. She is such a darling and always sparing a thought for others. Always.

Michelle . Michelle, you faded from my radar screens a little but we somehow always talk like we just talked the day before. Which is a measure of a strong friendship! And in our little lives, she's always calling me at the wrong times - like when I'm about to bathe or when I'm outside or when I'm sleepy. Always cheerful and always rejecting to sing Poison with me.

Shujun aka Mooncake . Another integral part of my life. This girl's friendship is certain and the best. Though I'm always sitting by the phone listening to her complaints and lamentations, hey, I'm privileged to be the one she shares it with! And all those 10pm - 6am movie marathons at her place, I'd never forget! Big eyes and quite scary at times. =)

Joe joe joe! . Okay this guy. I would say my best buddy. Which means I just enjoy spending time with this fella. Always with me whenever I need him and vice versa. Haha. He's a place I stash my cash so I do not overspend. And my shopping kaki cos he's very much a metrosexual as well. We've been to places all over, and I value our frienship a lot. Founding member of supper 4.

Fa . The most sensible and mature guy of the lot. And his friendship never quivers. Part of the Supper 4. We've been to Thailand together, talked under the stars, went under pressure during SC days and emerged as better friends.

* *

Of course there are others to credit. Like hani, jess, pee wee, jiaxin, yvonne, bai, winston, yingzhen, lau lau, zhi, sirui etc. The list is not exhaustive.

These four, five lines could never suffice as a testament of our friendship. And it's at times like these when I realize I couldn't have asked more out of life.

And may I be bold to say that I have a good family and great friends many only dream of.
And I'm living this dream, in reality.

nimgnoy let the night fall at 9:45 AM

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Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Sometimes I wonder why I still sit in front of my desktop, knowing very well that if I do not sleep in the next 30 min, I would risk the possibility of being unable to get up on time tomorrow thus missing my 10am interview slot in NTU.

And sometimes, I also wonder why all my post worthy thoughts throughout the day simply dissipate the moment I decide I should write an entry of all my inner monologues.

My heart is screaming to be saved.

* *

This entry took 42 minutes to compose, and counting. Obviously, this cannot be the only 3 lines running through my head within that period of time. I either felt that some thoughts were too private for the web, or felt that some couldn't be transposed accurately enough into words.

If only you could read my every thought.
I hope you wouldn't be too terrified.

nimgnoy let the night fall at 10:59 PM

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I came across one of the most original and novel blogs I've seen.

It is a site where people send in anonymous self-made postcards, with a secret written on it. Something which no ones knows and each secret can be a regret, hope, funny experience, unseen kindness, fantasy, belief, fear, betrayal, erotic desire, feeling, confession, or childhood humiliation. Okay, I lifted that from the site.

And as I scroll through the entries, they reveal much.

Some funny.
"I believe my dead grandmother watches me with great disappointment when I masturbate."
"People think I've stopped lying, but I just got better at it."
"When my friends go on diets, I discourage them. This is because I really want them to be fatter than me."

Some just weird.
"Everyone who knew me before 9/11 believes I'm dead."

Some religiously shocking.
"I had gay sex in church camp. 3 times."
"I tell people I'm an atheist. But I believe I'm going to hell."
"I miss feeling close to God."

Some sorta got me thinking.
"Psst, Here's a secret... Your last mortal thought will be, "why did i take so many days - just like today - for granted?"

Some a frank but ironical submission.
"I often wish someone or something would kill me.. so I could get out of this wheelchair."
"I got to the movies to try and imagine what life would be like if only i could fit in."
"I tell my husband that he's a good lover - but he isn't."

Some poignant.
"I still haven't told my father that I have the same disease that killed my mother."
"I'm still in love with her. I hope she reads this, and recognizes my handwriting. this is also my last try."

* *

There's so much more to read there.

Most reveal a sad or playfully malicious story most people rather not share.
We read it, and may take comfort that we are not alone in this world of sin, lies and sorrow.
And it's at times like this when you wonder if it is absolutely necessary for us to be weighed down by all the unhappiness, or where such anguish and dejection stems from.

It's all about coming to terms with ourselves. And there are many things that reside within which we as humans fail, or refuse, to acknowledge.

Sometimes, a true confession can set us free. Then, we can be given the wings of confidence to soar.

"My father was jailed for the rape and molestation of his girlfriend's daughters. He's been there several years. I've always suspected that he molested me, as well. But I've never said anything, and I'm scared to find out if my suspicions are true. I'm not sure if my father is the imprisoned one, or if the one imprisoned is ... me."

http://postsecret.blogspot.com

nimgnoy let the night fall at 10:14 AM

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