where thoughts materialise.

So we're into the sixth version of my blog after the last version hung around for a year or so.

Now, a bit of info on this image. This photo was taken one lovely spring afternoon, featuring the iconic Old Well from the UNC Chapel Hill campus. I would like to think of this image as a tribute to my time in UNC Chapel Hill, the awesome friends I made and the memories I now hold dear.

A milestone in my life indeed.

I've dropped the tagboard cos its useless and taking eons to load. But thanks to Angela who helped me set it up, I still do like and will miss the pink interface.

So yeah, it's the sixth one you fellas!

Yours.

27 April 2008

you know you miss my older entries

October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008

Saturday, October 09, 2004

I really gotta start off this post by saying that im beginning to regret not watching alicia keys in concert. I originally wanted to, but when American Idol came up, I diverted all my financial sources towards the idols.

Recent events has sorta unravelled a perennial issue that has always bugged me.
Right into a year of NS, it dawned upon me that my life was rather meaningless, time not well spent, and very unfufilling. And it all started when i heard of some of my friends who were clearly focused on what they want. Ask them what they wanna pursue in their career, they can, without hesistation tell me exactly what their ambitions are.

Take jackie, i remembered her telling me that she has to constantly work hard cos in Arts and Soci, everyone is rather mediocre in relativity. So she had to distinguish herself from the crowd. She's studying hard to keep that notch above the rest.
And that was what struck me, the drive and fervour she has, that I have lost since way back in the jc days.

I have always been languid about everything. No steady focal point and no idea of how to get there. And that eventually and naturally carried along with me into NS. So one day, i sat down and asked myself: What are my dreams? What do i really want in life?
No answer came outta me.

And so i talked to hanisah about it. Every youth who wants to be successful these days seems to have to have an ambition. Aside: No grammatical error there. Motivated and onward moving. Yet, I clearly knew i was not moving on. I was stuck in the phase called NS and was quite happy in this hermit shell, right where i am.

So right about early this year, I told myself I gotta do something.
I tried to mould myself to be the person I envisaged to be so-called focused.

I've started to read again. As of today, I've completed up to 20 books which i am proud of, and of which has given me much insights of the world and has enriched me beyond words.

And with that, I started writing a journal. I had to improve my writing. And hanisah would attest that my writing style has changed, for the better i hope. Reflective writing really helps. It not only explores different styles of which a thought can be presented, it also forces me to know my inner self better. I have learnt that thoughts that go through our heads rarely comes out as concisely in words. Few have that talent to do so.
Hence, this blog was born.

Started attending musicals, plays, performances which I have loved all along. Doing things I didnt have time or have the financial capability to do while in school. Basically just not bumming around at home and being a myopic hermit.

And 10 months after, I feel as if I am going on the right track.

Till junhan came along.
Going out 2 weeks back and again last night, junhan and i, as usual talked.
It is very comforting talking to him, cos its so easy to. With the years that we have been friends, what we talked have evolved to issues much deeper and intangible. We started talking about family, contemplating issues ahead of us, in short, life in general.

We are rather similar i suppose. In thinking, in family, in what we feel laid ahead of us.
And so junhan told me he lacked a sense of focus. And he felt as if it is not headed for a right direction. I totally register.

But what stumped me was when i said, "I know im headed somewhere, but i dunno where it is, but im getting there." A frank submission. A paradox. What i was essentially saying is "I am nowhere yet."

Which forced me to sit down again. To re-evaluate.
And once again, i asked: What are my dreams? What do i really want in life? Am i doing things right?
I looked at some people whom i thought were headed in the right direction. It hit me. Some people, when asked what they want in life, answer: I wanna be a successful doctor/businessman/lead a yuppie's life/drive a merc..you get the drift.
They are focused and resolute.
I personally think that is not what i want. It lacks something else im searching for.
And when I've worked myself up to a successful dream career, what's then from there?

On hindsight, i believe we're made for so much more than a dream job. I do not want to be self made man. I figured what we hanker after will never be satisfied. The gap between our desires and what we have is and will always be present. More is never enough.
My perspective and priorities have to change.

People are more important than possessions. The primary ambition cant be on myself: my personal wealth, my status in the corporate ladder, me, me, me. A selfish accumulation of myself.
The lust of the eyes, flesh and the lust of this world have always eluded me.

So now i know, that besides pursuing my own interest, i gotta open myself up more, to my family, and to my friends. More so to my family.
The focus has to move from myself to others.
To give more to my friends. To love from the centre of who i am. Then life would be a wholesome one for me.

I am enjoying life now. It just has not be at the expense of others, like my family or my friends.

A little too noble it may seem.
I am sure the practicalities of this world would bring me back to the all-for-oneself attitude.
But until that day comes,
my family and friends
will never be
compromised.

nimgnoy let the night fall at 11:57 AM

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