Sunday, November 28, 2004
You, it's always you.
Imprints on me.
Intoxicates and stupefy.
Even haunt me in my dreams (always).
You, it's always you.
I can't even describe what you do to me.
Why did I dream of you last night (again and again)?
Now morning is pushing back hair with grey light
Memories strike home, like slaps in the face;
Raised on elbow, I stare at the pale fog
beyond the window.
So many things I had thought forgotten
Return to my mind with stranger pain:
-Like letters that arrive addressed to someone
Who left the house so many years ago.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 10:43 PM
Stay tuned folks.
2004Khristmas is back for yet another year!
Spread the news you 4Kians.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 1:00 PM
The last evening in Melbourne. I stuck the camera out from Bohan's retractable sun roof and took this shot. Nice glorious evening with a cool iPod ad too.
Though I was glad that I was heading home, the effects of leaving didnt really kick in until I boarded the cab for the airport. I saw the the streets and roads I've started to grow accustomed to, knowing too well i have to abandon them now. Fitzroy... Acland... And off the side of the road, I saw tram number 16, that familiar mode of transport we took almost everyday to the city centre. We cruised by St Kilda Park Primary for the last time. And quickly, all thats real before me would be doctored into memory.
Well the holiday is behind me now. No more slacking for some time. And of course, i'm struck with those same feelings of nostalgia again. It's like every time I visit the present i feel further and further from the past, which of course is exactly right. The memories become more convuluted, more like a dream than a life once lived.
Sometimes I catch myself thinking that the past will repeat itself in the future. I keep forgetting that I'm supposed to be creating new future, not just rehashing the old. Yeah, I'm overly sentimental. I get separation anxiety from discarding used movie stubs let alone good times (and bad). But then, I always enjoy the past so much more than the present. Can you even enjoy the present? Don't they say that by the time you can even process the moment it's already happened and thus has passed?
What I need to learn to do is love the future more. The future is so bright, I gotta wear shades. Either that or just stop thinking about it.
* *
And to jess and bohan:
Thanks so much for putting us up and making this trip such a memorable one. This trip would easily go into the memory books as one of the best times I've had. All the cares and concerns of the world behind.
And thanks to bohan for driving us around too, zipping around town in that kewl sports car. His enthusiasm in bringing us to places uncommon back home despite his exams is amazing. Haha. Like certain clubs, casino, food at Rose Garden. I remember them all.
I still have Figo's fur all over my clothes.
So thanks again. I had fun.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 11:11 AM
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Well, I'm coming home soon. And i'm glad, not that im unhappy here, but its time to head back where people I care about are.
Yesterday was a hot summer's day. Went shopping down an unorthodox street for the bulk of the afternoon. Chapel Street.
The highlight of the day would certainly have to be the visit to St Kilda Park Primary School. They were having a fund-raiser of sorts and since Jess was a teacher there, we were invited too. It was a carnival-like atmosphere and it was refreshing to see a totally different system of the way primary schools are managed. Parents were out in full force to enjoy the afternoon sun. There was barbecue and not to mention beer. It was a like a big adult party. Kiddos had fun too, they had their own piano recital, fashion shows and art display. Adorable. Wait till you see the photos.
In the evening, we called in curry for dinner. Think Pizza Hut cept that pizza is curry here. Watched amazing race and the apprentice 2 before headin to bed at a very late time of 2am.
* *
Today was an even hotter summer day. Temperature hovered at at least 33 degrees. It was hotter than Singapore, less the humidity.
Shopping was the main event for the day. Period.
The more memorable part happened after nightfall. We went out to get 6 different types of beer and headed home for a farewell chill out night. At Jess' balcony, we litted candles and had a ball of a time. We had beer, chips, soda, donuts, strawberries and wine to party the night away. Jess made a mean shot that almost made me puke. We had a great time talking and reminiscing bout the days gone by. Even Bohan was a great sport, we all gel-ed pretty well and it would be definitely one of those nights I remember for life.
It's 3. I have to pack. And I'm glad cos home is where you guys are and no where feels more comfortable than being at home with all of you. Once again, friends never fail to light up my days..and nights.
And as i bid the city of Melbourne goodbye, the memories will linger. That's life, move on.
Cheers mate.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 3:07 AM
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Waking up at 1pm cant be too good. And in less than 4 hours, all shops would just go shut.
We staked out at Phillip Island island last night to watch the penguins come up to shore, in their daily penguin parade.
It was by far the coldest night we experienced here in Melbourne. The waves crashing onto the beach and the icy wind gushing past my cheeks, about a thousand of us stood by the beach. And all too soon, the penguins started to swim upshore, waddling and bopping their way up the beach and back home into the grassy shrubs.
It was magnificent. Penguins seeking back to safety, to where they know as home. A sight i certainly dun get to see back in urban Singapore. Nature's miracle right before my eyes.
Within an hour, everything was over. The shore quiet, penguin footprints by the sand washed away by the waves, no trace that it ever happened.
And as the bus rolled away from the beach, we drove into the dark roads of Phillip Island. Pass nothing but fields and fields of nothingness. Because we're so far from any civilisation, it was totally pitch dark, except for the moon hanging over us.
And there, in the bus, I looked up at the pale almost-full moon and the vastness of the sky unfolded before me. Like a map spread out on the planning table, stars the only landmarks guiding our way. Times like these are somewhat good, they allow you for time to think.
The Orion Belt never seemed so clear. It is true, everything in the world changes or could change, only the old moon and stars constant, there where ever we are. They never fail.
And why did i dream of you again last night?
Gotta run out of the house now. Shops waiting to close on me.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 1:41 PM
Hey girl.
another song for another day.
You better read the lyrics word by word babe!
Jess' choice:
When you're weary, feelin small
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all.
I'm on your side, Oh, when times get rough
And friends just can't be found.
Like a bridge over troubled waters
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled waters
I will lay me down.
When you're down and out, when you're on the street
When evening falls so hard, I will comfort you.
I'll take your part, Oh when darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled waters
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled waters
I will lay me down.
Sail on children, sail on by
Your time has come to shine, all their dreams are on their way
See how they shine, Oh when you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled waters
I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled waters,
I will ease your mind.
I'll ease your mind.
My choice:
When you get caught in the rain with no where to run
When you're distraught and in pain without anyone
When you keep cryin out to be saved but nobody comes
And you feel so far away that you just can't find your way home
You can get there alone
It's ok, won't you say
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
and I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
and I live one more day and I make it through the rain
And if you keep falling down, don't you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound, so keep pressing on steadfastly
and you'll find what you need to prevail
Won't you say
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
and I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraidI hold tighter to my faith
and I live one more day and I make it through the rain
And when the wind blows
And shadows grow close
Don't be afraid
There's nothing you can't face
And should they tell you, you'll never pull through
Don't hesitate, stand tall and say
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
and I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I make it through the rain
And I can make it through the rain and stand up once again
And I live one more day and I, I can make it through the rain
Oh yes you can,
You're gonna make it through the rain
Friends like us will always stick around, no matter where on the world we're at.
We'll be there, like flies to trash.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 2:44 AM
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
So there, some pics below to wet your appetite.
Today was simply great. Weather's fine and dandy.
We had brunch at 1pm today.
Breakfast here is served from 6am to...guess... 4pm!
Only aussies slack like that.
Cooked dinner at Jess' place, then we all headed out to Crown Casino and Entertainment Complex for some cakes and desserts and gambling. $1 gambling. Lol.
Gotta rush for the bed now. Its 1.37am and i have to wake up at 6am tomorrow.
Go figure.
G'nite.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 1:37 PM
Hey girl,
another song for another day.
Young girl, don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl, it's all right
Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly
When you're safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means
When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within
Young girl, don't hide
You'll never change if you just run away
Young girl, just hold tight
And soon you're gonna see your brighter day
Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It's so hard to stand your ground when you're so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you're lost outside look inside to your soul
When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within
Yeah...Life is a journey
It can take you anywhere you choose to go
As long as you're learning
You'll find all you'll ever need to know
You'll make it
You'll make it
Just don't go forsaking yourself
No one can stop you
You know that I'm talking to you
When there's no one else
Look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend
Just trust the voice within
Then you'll find the strength
That will guide your way
If you will learn to begin
To trust the voice within
Young girl don't cry
I'll be right here when your world starts to fall
Love,
Jess and me.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 1:11 AM
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
eating aussie style
nimgnoy let the night fall at 10:32 PM
lazing around in true aussie style
nimgnoy let the night fall at 10:31 PM
at jess' primary school (where she was teaching)
nimgnoy let the night fall at 10:30 PM
my breakfast..well, brunch
nimgnoy let the night fall at 10:26 PM
outside jess' place
nimgnoy let the night fall at 10:25 PM
jess' dog n me
nimgnoy let the night fall at 10:24 PM
G'mornin mate.
Jessica just said that I'm an internet fweak. Fweak cos she was half brushing her teeth.
Anyways, you guys gotta bear with my colloquial narrative. Reflective mode will kick in later.
We just woke up, as in jess and my sis and me.
Its 1pm now, and 4 months to ORD exactly.
Today we'll be exploring St Kilda - Fitzoy St, Acland St, Chapel St. Slacker streets of the Melbourne city. Cafes, bistros, restaurants, cake shops. Melbourne's playground, they call it.
Then we're buying stuff back to cook dinner.
Its a relaxing, cool summer's afternoon. Just the way a holiday should be.
I'll catch you guys later. Gotta brush my teeth now.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 1:21 PM
To you, I know you usually skip lyrics and poetry just to read my words, but please do read on this time. We mean every word that's sung.
You know who we are, and you are.
When you're down and troubled
And you need some loving care
And nothing, nothing is going right
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night
You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there
You've got a friend
If the sky above you
Grows dark and full of clouds
And that old north wind begins to blow
Keep your head together
And call my name out loud
Soon you'll hear me knocking at your door
You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there
Ain't it good to know that you've got a friend
When people can be so cold
They'll hurt you, and desert you
And take your soul if you let them
Oh, but don't you let them
You just call out my name
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there
You've got a friend
Take care.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 2:31 AM
Okay crappy stuff from me from Melbourne.
Okay jess is sitting beside me now in her nice lil apartment that overlooks the beach. Its really lovely here, wait till you guys see the photos.
Melbourne's weather is erratic. Highly erratic. It was freakin cold when i came, like super refrigerated. But today it was summer in its full glory. Hot. Hot like home, less the humidity, but the air is cool.
Do you know that australia has over 50 million sheeps? Thats more than twice the human population here! If the sheeps were smart enough, they could take over the continent of australia! and subsequently, maybe the world. Now that Bush has got rid of Saddam in the fight for world domination, he has to be wary of the sheeps now.
Oh what am i talkin about.
Its 1 am here. Meaning its 10 pm for you guys. I have been sleeping less than 5 hours every single day since i left Singapore. Its hectic, my schedule.
Oh ya, i almost missed my flight on Saturday. What a nightmare. 4 alarm clocks were set for 4am but none of us heard it ring. We got up at 5 instead and had the shock of our lives. And in true Home Alone and Amazing Race fashion, we rushed our ass-es to the airport and was the last to check in. We finally boarded the plane at 6.50am - 10 minutes before take off. Phew!
Im crapping, which isn't good at all. Totally wrecks my reflective theme for my blog. Who's fault? You you you and jess. I cant blog under pressure. And since jess is sitting beside me watching me blog like a kidnapper with her hostage in hand, i'll blog crap. I need to think, so i'll leave all the nice english for when i return.
Ok thats all for now folks. The past few days have been great. Travelled along the Great Ocean Road yesterday and absorbed the magnificent sights of the Grampian National Park today.
Tomorrow's a free day so i can sleeeeeep til i shiok shiok.
Pardon my english lah.
Till next time,
g'day mate.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 1:10 AM
Saturday, November 20, 2004
All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm sittin here in front of my com
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin, it's early morn
The taxi's waitin, he's blowin his horn
Already I'm so elated I could die
* *
Yup, everything seems settled now.
An hour ago i was frantically going round the house to get stuff into my luggage.
All's calm and quiet now.
Yes, the dawn is breaking.
And im leavin for the airport soon.
I'll try to blog from there.
Meanwhile, allow me my short hiatus.
Gday.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 2:21 AM
Friday, November 19, 2004
I have been writing some odd things lately. And it seems i'm not the only one, because some of my friend's posts have been uncharacteristically deep or strange of late. Is it because one of us started "yawning" and it became contagious to the rest? Or could it be something in the ether that is causing this effect, or this defect to occur? Perhaps it is the sudden extreme change in weather which is the inspiration behind this. No, that's not it at all. Fall is the season of doubt, it seems. The summer party is over and we are left to deal with the shattered pieces of our lives that remain.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about what the future holds for me. Where I want to go from here, and when. This is tough work. Read a brilliant post recently in which someone talked about how life is about becoming, not being. If that's true then it takes a lot of the pressure off. My problem is that i'm goal-orientated, but just don't have any goals at the moment that I care to pursue.
My job is so unsatisfactory. No matter how late I work, or how hard I try, I am always left feeling inadequate. This is such a foreign feeling for me. It is so humbling, but in a depressing way. It has adverse consequences too, because it makes me doubt my ability to do things that I know I can do, and even do well. In short, it is a confidence deteriorator. Taking this daily beating has been one of the challenges I've faced in this life. Sometimes I feel like my main motiviation to hang in there is just to prove to myself that I can. But I am tired, and don't know how long I can last. I wanna ORD quick. One thing I'll say is that I am growing a much thicker skin as a result, which will come in handy in this crazy world.
I've just done a preliminary whirlwind 10 minute packing of my luggage.
Guess i'm about to ship a quarter of my wardrobe over to melbourne.
And i gotta run out of the house already. Now.
Later.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 5:55 PM
Monday, November 15, 2004
All these weekends are really beginning to blur into each other. Maybe it's just my life that is becoming a blur. That's time scraping me on the cheeks, like wind through an open car window. A carousel of blazing colours swirling about me--seamless. Everytime I feel like i have it under control it gets away from me again. There is no control. "who am i? why am i here?" But really why? why? why? why? why?
Is satisfaction enough? Just being satisfied...enough? Enough, enough, enough.
I don't want to be a shell. It's empty, cold. Shhhh--that's my imagination sleeping over there--don't wake it. Turn the light off. Be quiet. Don't move. Stop shaking. Just stop...breathing.
That's too cliche. Oh what was that again? That's good.
It's getting late. You'll be tired tomorrow. Won't be able to function optimally. Not at top efficiency. You'll be slow, weak, inefficiant. Step aside ma' boy. Step aside and let me drive. I've been doing this since you were in diapers. You need to learn how to get to the point. I don't understand you. What did you say? You're wasting my time. You see, I'm important. I have a job to do. You're not helping me. You need to help me. You're only 20? Good god man, what have you been doing? You look run down.
I'll run you down. Run it down. Here it comes. Jump.
What do you value most and why? I dunno... comfort? Maybe that's why I live in this shell. It's a nice one...solid construction. Cozy inside. Very cozy. Too cozy. Oh yeah... that's a good answer. Let me write that one down.
Let that fire burn baby. Let it all burn down. Till everything is charred and gray. Then we can dance upon the ashes of empire. That was your heart skipping a beat. So we beat on.
Gibberish today.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 3:33 AM
I sometimes wonder why i even bother uploading these stuff that bilge up my blog. But I am indeed mad about mischa, to a certain extent that is.
It just suddenly dawned upon me that i'm 20 years old. Like t-w-e-n-t-y. Or like 20. It does seem old doesn't it? Reading blog after blog of friends lamenting of the coming of age, I never really understood what turning 20 meant.
Its means, shouting in my face, that i've grown up. Also shouting in my face, to grow up.
Right now, i'm just staring blankly back at my age. Blink blink.
Ah this is getting too narrative and less reflective.
Shall stop before i stir more shit.
Till next time.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 1:50 AM
Sunday, November 14, 2004
I'm rather hooked onto big band these days. And it prolly helps that I'm a fan of jazz anyway.
Big Band brings me back to the era of the days gone by, the glorious 20s and war years (though big band lasted till as late as the 60s). And though none of us lived through these bygone times, big band hauls us in one sweep and fudges us snuggly into the former age. The power of music. And media.
Anyway, what's so enthralling about big band is essentially the lyrics.
They paint poetic and pretty pictures of love, yet being so witty at the same time.
I'm listening to I wanna be around by Tony Bennett now.
And you think I wanna be around sounds like another lovey dovey song right?
The lyrics are WICKED and I'm loving it.
I wanna be around, to pick up the pieces -
When somebody breaks your heart -
Somebody twice as smart as I -
A somebody who would swear to be true,
like you used to do with me -
Who'll leave you to learn,
that misery loves company -
Wait and see.
I mean I wanna be around to see how he does it
When he breaks your heart to bits -
Let's see if that puzzle really fits, so fine -
And that's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet,
as I sit there applauding from a front row seat -
When somebody breaks your heart just like you
broke mine.
(waits for applause) then...
That's when I'll discover that revenge is sweet,
as I sit there applauding from a front row seat -
Somebody breaks your heart,
Yes, Like you broke mine -
When somebody breaks your heart like you broke
mine -
Oh yeah.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 1:06 PM
Brennan. This lil coz of mine never fails to make me smile!
My aunt and mom went over (on their own aunty-like accord if i must add) to Hong Kong cos Bren was on a scouts exchange trip there. Parents weren't supposed to follow the kiddos around HK, so behind a seemingly innocent 'shopping vacation' shield, they were actually also there to make sure Bren was okay. Should i say 'Awwww..' or 'Gosh?!' ?
Anyway, my aunt n mom made a surprise appearance at some museum the young scouties were visiting there.
So, to put you guys into the context of the photo, Brennan was saying, "AIYO mom! Why did you come here?!"
Laughable.
It's such candid and real emotions that i often try to capture on film but somehow never seem to get the opportunity to do so. In good photography (except fashion), nothing should be posed as much as possible.
Typical Hong Kong. Sterile, urban, cold? I dunno.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 11:45 AM
Friday, November 12, 2004
Just take a good look at this. One good look.
Something we'll never find in Singapore Idol.
That pose. The charm, charisma, confidence, appeal, allure, magnetism and come-hither look.
That mouth.
"I'm the american idol becuz 'ma lips are big, but 'ma talent is bigger," said like a true diva.
No one even comes close.
thankew apache. haha
nimgnoy let the night fall at 10:44 PM
Thursday, November 11, 2004
You guys just gotta watch this show! The Oblongs. It's nothing but crappy and funny. Certainly made my Thursday night.
Well here's an intro to the show..
The tight-knit Oblong clan lives in Hill Valley, a toxic valley downstream from your typical industrial waste site, which has caused a variety of bizarre physical and emotional abnormalities.
At the head of the dinner table is the loving, limbless (yes! no hands no legs, he just bounces around), tirelessly upbeat patriarch Bob Oblong and his adoring, alcohol-and-tobacco-addicted, bald-but-beautifully-wigged wife Pickles, who frequents the Rusty Bucket bar, owned by transexual Anita Bidet.
The family includes their conjoined twin sons Biff and Chip, who share three legs and three buttocks, but can't seem to agree on anything; sweet, tattling, 4-year-old daughter Beth, sporting a cucumber-like growth sprouting from her head; and youngest son Milo, a one-haired optimist who has every childhood emotional disorder and behavioral problem ever diagnosed. Other members of the family include Bob's mother, Grammy, who's a vegetable; Milo's narcoleptic scottie dog, Scottie; and the chain-smoking family cat, Lucky.
Milo used to go to a special school for "the pathologically high-spirited," but now enjoys his days at "normal" school with fellow valley outcasts including the zaftig, toad-like Helga Phugly; gothic and death-obsessed Creepy Susie; bulbous-bottomed Mikey Butts; and brainy, spitting, lower-jaw-lacking Peggy Weggy. Milo and the gang constantly clash with the Debbies, a giggling gaggle of wealthy, popular, seemingly cloned "hill" girls of the same first name. As far as the Debbies and their parents are concerned, anything that isn't perfect - like them - isn't worthy of their attention. "Normal" school is headed by Principal Davis. Other members of the school staff include Nurse Rench, who has a scary operating contraption in place of her right arm (and has four tits!) , and the homeroom teacher, Leland. Aside from hanging out in the clubhouse in the Oblongs' back yard, the kids often find themselves hanging out at the local store "A to Zed."
The Oblongs airs 9.30pm Arts Central, Thursdays.
Joe, it's YOUR show!
nimgnoy let the night fall at 10:04 PM
I picked out Kazuo Ishiguro's An Artist of the Floating World from the shelf in the morning. A text i did for lit3, 20th century writing, for my a levels.
I was looking for a certain passage that came to mind recently, i can't remember the words now, i needed to see it again for sure.
I loved EN3, lots of life lessons to draw from. But i sleep ever so much during benzie's tutorials and often didnt turn up for his lectures. What was i thinking.
I managed to speed read the whole book, with Zouk Flava blasting R & B on my com, back to front. Haha i'm rather impressed myself too.
Amongst the doodles in the book, apart of the proper notes, i found myself scribbling:
Natnal day comin soon! yeah yeah yeah yeah (then some scribblings i couldnt make out)
Half day today?!?! virginia better decide.
venezia or kap, kap or venezia
Syllogism (i haven't seen this word in ages)
Couldnt believe i looked forward to national day. Like what?!
I must have slept a lot too. Too many words left written halfway before trailing off into nothingness.
* *
Anyway this was the passage i've been looking for. Read it, and find something in yourself you might have been missing out on.
Mori-San, a master artist, talks to his student, Masuji Ono about the floating world. This passage opens with Mori-San speaking.
'Gisaburo is an unhappy man. He's had a sad life. His talent has gone to ruin. Those he once loved have long since died or deserted him. Even in our younger days, he was already a lonely, sad character.' Mori-san paused for a moment. Then he went on: 'But then sometimes we used to drink and enjoy ourselves with the women of the pleasure quarters, and Gisaburo would become happy. Those women would tell him all the things he wanted to hear, and for the night anyway, he'd be able to believe them. Once the morning came, of course, he was too intelligent a man to go on believing such things. But Gisaburo didn't value those nights any the less for that. The best things, he always used to say, are put together of a night and vanish with the morning. What people call the floating world, Ono, was a world Gisaburo knew how to value.'
Then he went on: 'The finest, most fragile beauty an artist can hope to capture drifts within those pleasure houses after dark. And on nights like these, Ono, some beauty drifts into our own quarters here. But as for those pictures up there, they don't even hint at these transitory, illusionary qualities. They're deeply flawed, Ono.'
'But Sensei, to my eyes, those prints suggest most impressively these very things.'
'I was very young when i prepared those prints. I suspect the reason I couldn't celebrate the floating world was that I couldn't bring myself to believe its worth. Young men are often guilt-ridden about pleasure, and i suppose i was no different. I suppose I thought that to pass away one's time in such places, to spend one's skill celebrating things so intagible and transient, I suppose I thought it all rather wasteful, all rather decadent. It's hard to appreciate beauty of a world when one doubts it very validity.'
I thought about this, then said: 'Indeed, Sensei, I admit what you say may well apply in respect to my own work. I will do all i can to put matters right.'
Mori-San appeared not to hear me. 'But I've long since lost all such doubt, Ono,' he continued. 'When I am an old man, when I look back over my life and see I have devoted it to the task of capturing the unique beauty of the world, I believe I will be well satisfied. And no man will make me believe I've wasted my time.
* *
This idea of the floating world. I would like to think I exist in it. A decadant and enclosed world where practicalities hardly abide, only beauty. To capture beauty whenever one sees it, and to be part of it.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 1:51 PM
I remember that night. That flicker of memory still struggling to stay ignited from the changing wind of time.
We were so far away from home. We had only us.
Laying there upon the grassy field, star gazing. Something about the stars were so entrancing, something about them captivating, diamonds of the night sky seducing and tantalizing.
Underneath the stars we sang and talked. In the dark we bared our souls.
And you were just a friend.
I still remember that night. It had been 5 years since.
Unspoken but audible within, we wished time belong to us forever.
Cos time is evidently not ours to hold. It rightfully belongs to the past. Every second elapsed is every moment passed on to antiquity. Even the present as we know it slips through our fingers ever so (too) quickly.
No one fits the bill pretty much the same anymore.
Someone who doesn't mind the time, the trouble for a good time out. No curfews no restrictions. Just a world to ourselves.
Just laughing.
Someone just spending time, even silences with.
To go where intentions are propelled by unpretentious endeavors, and dreams prevail.
And you might just be a friend.
* *
Right now i feel like eating percy pigs. Penny pigs will do too.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 1:34 AM
I smell like smoke all over, but anyway.
Wala wala over at Holland v is simply ooh la la! Cool place to be.
I love long island tea. Tonight just re-affirmed it. Just give it to me baby.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 12:37 AM
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
More pics here.
Hani and me at the opening night for Rumours, Jubilee Hall, Raffles Hotel.
6th October 04
nimgnoy let the night fall at 9:34 PM
Monday, November 08, 2004
I've always pondered on the question of commitment. Commitment in a relationship more specifically.
The perennial contradiction, would be that of the constant yearning for that special someone to share life with, yet running away like a little boy when opportunity comes knocking.
It's something I have not worked out or found a satisfactory reason to.
I am not afraid of commitment. That I am sure of.
Prolly, its failure that i ultimately fear.
Or could it be that my heart has already decided upon someone (subconscious or not), that it rejects all others who try to fill the place it has reserved for that one and only?
Or perhaps the notion of a rosy relationship is only but a hazy dream that is not prepared for reality?
I could never figure.
* *
I need some sleep. Shall go easy on words now.
Cosying in the Central Library with hani. That's gonna be my life for the next 3 years.
Brought vic to my hairstylist over at Reds. And vic transforms. Funky.
Gosh i love her phone. Resolution is damn good.
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I'm so proud of you babe. My boo. Now we can share clay and styling tips.
Our victory dinner. Haven't eaten this much seafood in ages.
**
And yet again. A narrative entry. I could certainly do better.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 10:48 PM
Sunday, November 07, 2004
And i've realised that i have been and always will be someone outside looking in. And perhaps it's because i love this friendship so much, that i'll never be able to reach you in the way other people can.
In the arms of an angel
fly away from here..
From this dark, cold hotel room,
and the endlessness that you fear.
You are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie.
In the arms of the angel,
may you find some comfort here.
Gnite. To you especially.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 10:36 PM
Life sometimes takes an unexpected turn and new opportunities present itself, like someone hiding round that corner and pouncing out of no-where. And it's always the anomalous that gives life that little perk it needs after what seems to be an all-routine existence.
* *
And what a night it was yesterday.
Dinner and dance went as planned. Nothing much there.
Stayed on the dancefloor till the lights went up at 2am.
And you know i'm usually rather self conscious about me dancing, wouldn't say it's something I do in front of people. The last time i danced like that was, i can't remember. Well, actually, i do remember (feigned ignorance so it seemed a long time back, of which the latter is true), it was back in august.
And after downing enough tequila to burn my throat, I felt I was comfortably intoxicated to let loose and dance the night away, yet still keeping my sanity. A little alcohol really helps when it comes to dancing. Really. That's why people drink so much in clubs i guess. The difference between me and the fools out there is that i know when to stop drinking, so stop looking at me like some alcoholic.
2:15 am.
Sending my drunk friend (a perfect example of a fool) home posed yet another challenge.
Holding a plastic bag for him in the car, I had to maneuver the bag to catch whatever he disgorged from his system, while constantly asking him where he stayed. Honestly, it was icky and gross.
Making sure he reached his doorstep was equally tiring. All of a sudden, i understood and learnt what 80kg really meant. That bouncer shaped fella had me in sweat. Weishan and I, hoisted him on each side and had to walk 3 stories up mr bouncer's block.
Another valuable lesson: never be stupid and naive enough to believe the utterings of a drunkard. Half way up, mr bouncer shook us off saying he was okay and could walk up by himself. So we were stupid and naive enough to let go.
He rolled back, roly-poly style to the bottom of the flight of stairs.
So there we were, Weishan and I, stuck between the 14th and 15th storey, with a 80kg fool, our shirts drenched in perspiration and totally helpless.
We literally elevated him back home.
2:30am (Yes, it took 15min up to the 16th floor)
We joined Isaac and Jonathan back in the car. 4 sane guys, and we decided to chill at Jon's place. And upon reachin Jon's place, we got out and headed for the lobby, then Isaac (out of absolutely no-where, absolutely) suggested he had playstation at his place.
Back to the car. Isaac's place.
Yes, army, the decisive force.
2:45am.
Instant noodles, drinks, crisps.
Cooking in the kitchen with Isaac, things seemed to have come full circle. I was back at his place where i was 3 years ago, when we just knew each other barely a few days into our NJ orientation. And as we talked and reminisced, it was like those days again, before all the shit, all innocent, simple. Un-tainted.
3am
Then came what was totally expected and would eventually be the highlight of the night.
Good old joseph texted me at 3 in the morn saying he cant sleep. What's new.
And since we were both suffering from insomnia, he stole his father's jaguar lookalike and picked me up from Isaac's place.
4am
The night was still and silent. Shops along Orchard closed. Streets deserted. Worker taking advantage of the desolate streets to put up more xmas deco. A sight, and side, of Orchard i havent seen since prom of 2002. Windows wind down and i felt like my last entry was fulfilled, less the sun and the convertible.
After cruising around and enjoying the almost empty roads of Orchard, we finally settled for Newton hawker centre.
The lousy Char Kway Teow at an exhorbitant price of 5 bucks did nothing to sour the night. It was the company that mattered anyway.
5:30am
Driving back, Singapore was just waking up to yet another Sunday. Early birds in their running gear jogging along SMU. The first feeder bus making its all familiar passage down the nieghbourhood. The markets waiting to burst out alive.
By 6am, i was in bed.
And what a night it was yesterday.
* *
I was never fond of a narrative entry but I guess all that happened last night warrants something to be written in that manner.
Talking to joe now seems almost relaxing, like a good friend you return to at the end of the day, after all the shit from the outside world has been thrown into your face. No more awkward silences. And even silences are comfortable -- that's when you know the stability in friendship has been achieved. I couldnt have thanked who-ever's up there enough for a friend like him.
And im surprised, joe drives pretty well.
And how far can you actually plan in life when it's always the anomalous that gives life that little perk it needs after what seems to be an all-routine existence?
Living for the day, worries far away.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 10:47 AM
Saturday, November 06, 2004
And as i look out the window that separate me from the skies above,
what a glorious day it is!
The sun beating down in true tropical fashion. Great for the beach or pool.
Can't help but think of cruising down the palm tree-lined avenues of sunny Florida in a convertible. The summer air rushing past my ears, wind caressing my cheeks.
Things to remind myself
- Return library books
- Get more de bono books
- Try to indulge in crappy books (Joe tell me)
- Get a list of what you lots want frm Melbourne
- Email ruth (i've been really busy im sorry, if u r reading this)
It's 5 o'clock already. Time to get changed.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 4:43 PM
5 years, half a decade.
What else have we not been through?
And im so sure we have better days to come.
* *
May i reiterate? Friends never fail to light up my days..and nights.
When I was a child, I thought,
Casually, that solitude
Never needed to be sought.
Something everybody had,
Like nakedness, it lay at hand,
Not specially right or specially wrong,
A plentiful and obvious thing
Not at all hard to understand.
Then, after twenty, it became
At once more difficult to get
And more desired - though all the same
More undesirable; for what
You are alone has, to achieve
The rank of fact, to be expressed
In terms of others, or it's just
A compensating make-believe.
Much better stay in company!
To love you must have someone else,
Giving requires a legatee,
Good neighbours need whole parishfuls
Of folk to do it on - in short,
Our virtues are all social; if,
Deprived of solitude, you chafe,
It's clear you're not the virtuous sort.
Viciously, then, I lock my door.
The gas-fire breathes. The wind outside
Ushers in evening rain. Once more
Uncontradicting solitude
Supports me on its giant palm;
And like a sea-anemone
Or simple snail, there cautiously
Unfolds, emerges, what I am.
How can anybody write so beautifully and concisely? ... Philip Larkin
nimgnoy let the night fall at 1:06 PM
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
I had the privilege of catching the UBS Verbier Festival Orchestra at the Esplanade Concert Hall last night.
What's so special about this orchestra is the fact that the best musicians (aged 17 - 29) from all of the lands are assembled each year through a prestigious audition to form the UBS VFO. aka the dream team for the orchestral world. So they aren't old uncles trying to cover up bald patches, or aunties refusing to accept that they need a corset to squeeze into that dress.
33 countries are represented by the finest musicians this year, none of whom are from Singapore. We're just not up to that standard yet. Significant asian presence in the orchestra hail from China and Japan, and surprise surprise, even one violinist from Taiwan.
Some background info that i find facinating. Yearly, a new orchestra is formed for the Verbier Festival. Atlas check: Verbier's at the Swiss alps. (Hear that joseph? SWISS) Freedom, beauty and a sense of something magical - this is the spirit that mountains inspire around the world.
It is in that same spirit that the Verbier Festival was created - an alpine village where both artists and music lovers have the freedom to meet and share ideas and passions. That interaction takes a tangible form in the concerts and the festival brings together the finest musicians to perform in an environment that celebrates the ethereal beauty of music.
To get how big a deal this is, imagine Eminem, Shania Twain, Britney Spears, U2, Mariah Carey (i had to include her) and 40 more of pop's hottest acts gathering in an Alpine village to chew the fat, hang out and occasionally perform together -- for no fees and no charitable cause -- under a tent with a seating capacity of just 1,750. It could only happen in a pop-music fan's wildest dreams. But this time, lovers of classical music will see their equivalent fantasy come true.
Interesting huh?!
And after the summer festival, they go on a world tour in autumn.
Anyway, excellent performance last night. Most impressive was Mussorgsky's Pictures at an Exhibition (arranged by Ravel). Its grandiose multiform brought the audience to our feet. One encore later, the performance ended at 10.30pm, almost an hour past its estimated end.
* *
And tonight, I had the privilege of having dinner with my grandparents. I do not usually get to eat with them, cos they always prefer to eat last and scavage on the fish bones (which they claim to be the best way to appreciate a fish).
It's heartwarming to see that love doesn't change much even through the age. Seeing my grandpa playfully teasing my grandma over dinner made me smile. A pure innocent smile that came onto my face almost involuntarily.
Perhaps it was because of my presence, much of our dinner conversations were focused on reminiscing times when i was a little kid and times when things were, well, simple.
To them, I figured I was a stark (or painful?) reminder of how much time has passed, a representation that age has indeed caught up with them.
Nevertheless, I enjoyed dinner thoroughly. They are fun people with lots of stories to entertain and share. And i listen with much reverence and facination.
Two nights of bliss. I couldn't have asked for more.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 10:56 PM
I looked back at my journal and a single entry dated not too long ago struck me :
- "Today, life now seems within grasp. One day, i'll hold it in its entirety and never let it go."
I could almost savour and get that vibe of serene composure, coupled with the contentment that came while penning the former sentence. I was at a point where peace was found with the life i was leading (then) and came to terms with the loose ends outstanding (at that point of time).
Yet for the latter, that yearning and hankering for that 'one day' seem to have kept the great desideratum far from where i am.
I would be the first to acquiesce that I do not lead all parts of my life in the right way. Many tributaries make up who i ultimately am, and well, some of them are rather screwed up.
The wrong parts of my life. Portions that would tear me away from the eminent end.
And how low can i get? To even live the wrong parts of my life, wrongly. And it is definitely not the case of two wrongs making a right here. Absolutely implausible.
So there, the latter is unattainable (as yet), and the only conviction I have is the aquisition of the former - Life is within grasp for me now. And given that, the destination is already in mind, the route there is clear, now's just negotiating my way there.
So all ends well.
* *
This is not a depressing entry!!! Knew that you guys would think it is. But its not.
In fact, the road to elysium never seemed more unmistakable or more straightforward to me now.
nimgnoy let the night fall at 8:30 PM
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